A Midnight Snack
by Anne Oying
Summary: Columbia WAS just going down to the lab to chow down on some comfort food, she wasn't expecting to run into the very thing that ruined her life. She certainly wasn't expecting to fall in love all over again. Soppy summary, soppy story. COMPLETE
1. Just Two Creatures of the Night

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything to do with RHPS. All Richard's. I'm making absolutely no profit whatsoever (though, you know, if you want to send me money...)**

**Have to admit, I got this idea from the latest chapter of _Rose Tinted World_ by _FrankieFan82_. The idea of Columbia/Rocky intrigues me... hope you don't mind! **

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><p>All was silent in the Furter castle – a rare feat indeed, considering the sort of company that the young Prince liked to keep.<p>

But fortunately for those who enjoy listening for dropping pins, Frank had been lured into an early night by a steaming bubble bath, a sinfully large box of chocolates and a _Steptoe and Son _marathon that the bathroom monitor so generously provided him with.

Similarly, the handyman and the domestic were at that moment being softly lulled to sleep by the calming croon of Johnny Fontane after a strenuous game of Raid-The-Master's-Personal-Fridge and a subsequently luxurious evening of champagne sipping, oyster slurping and love making (courtesy of the slightly frozen handful of contraceptives and Viagra tucked cosily between the giant strawberries and herbal teabags to help Frank adjust to the warmer climate of Earth).

There wasn't much change in the freezer – it's occupant in a drug induced coma and frozen to within an inch of his life – but if Eddie was conscious then surely he'd appreciate the calmness and distinct lack of screams aimed in his direction.

Even the dogs had hushed up, thanks to an especially tender cut of beef Magenta had tossed them, and had been reduced from snarling wolves into snuffling puppies.

Ah yes. A seldom seen cloud of tranquillity seemed to shroud the ancient building, coating the drab bricks with a sheen of contentedness. Illuminating the grubby windows with satisfaction. Filling the musty air with the sweet and exotic perfume of rest. You could almost hear the castle sigh, glad to have a night free from dancing feet, screaming Earthlings and _**Frank**_. In fact the whole area seemed to send out an aura of clean sheets, soft pillows and absolute silence…

"Bloody, buggering hell!" a screechy violin-type sound shattered the peace – yet, coming from the deepest bowels of the castle, only elicited a cursory mumble from Frank who was slowly turning into a prune in his now-completely-free-of-bubbles bath.

Columbia, the resident groupie, had failed to succumb to the castle's heavy-lidded atmosphere and continued to hop up and down, cursing squeakily, nursing her stubbed toe, "Hell's teeth!" ooh, it was a biggie! She'd _thacked _it right off The Creation's tank!

"C'mon, little piggy," she bit her bottom lip and winced as she gingerly placed her unnaturally red toe on the floor, "Oooo-aaaaa!" she sucked in her breath sharply and leaned against the tank for support.

She pouted and whacked the covered rectangle spitefully, "Can't you stop wrecking my life?" she wailed, "First you take my Frankie: he works on you all day and night – virtually ignores everyone else!" she steamed, "Then, as if that wasn't enough for you, you had to go and take my Eddie too!" she held back a small sob as she stared mournfully at the freezer, practically _miles _away from where she was leaning, "And now, you're taking my ice cream away!" she moaned childishly and kicked the tank, "Ouch!" bad idea.

She collapsed onto the floor and sat cross-legged, making her feet into a basket, feeling very sorry for herself. All she wanted was some damn ice cream! Was that too much to ask? Surely the fates would not begrudge her a nice big scoop of artery clogging _Deep Fried_ _Chocolate Bubblegum Milkshake_. Hell, she'd ever settle for Frank's non-dairy, non-fat, non-delicious frozen yoghurt – just something soft and pliable that she could cram down her throat whilst she watched soppy romances on the monitor – _Gilda _was about to start! She sobbed inelegantly into her much-too-big ratty old PJ's. She had long since stopped wearing the sexy negligees and see-through teddies that Magenta so boldly strutted around the castle in – but then, Magenta actually had someone to dress up for!

Even if it was her brother.

Columbia upped the ante, tears spurted out of her eyes like cannonballs – obese droplets that plopped onto her holey bottoms and spread out like starfish along her thighs – but that was nothing compared to the snot that gushed from her nose like some sick satire of a waterfall.

"Oh, Eddie," she whispered. He could always cheer her up. He'd make some joke about her crumpled up face and tweak her nose until he got a giggle out of her. He'd call her 'Babe' and tell her that everything would work out and start spouting some corny old _Casablanca_-type sayings before giving her one of his special bear hugs. _Oh, Eddieeeeeee! _

The there was Frank. She almost smiled as she imagined his reaction. He'd get uncomfortable, scold her half-heartedly, try to be firm, tell her that she looked hideous with her eyeliner smudged drown to her chin. He'd get that huffy, offended look when she cried even harder and look kind of guilty before stropping off somewhere. Then, later on, she'd find a _Frank-N-Furter _monogrammed hankie along with some small expensive chocolates from his private selection and a coupon for some 'Free Pleasure' placed tenderly on her pillow. _Oh, Frankieeeeeeeee! _

Why does everything have to be so hard?

She sniffled pathetically and patted the tank weakly, "Sorry for hitting you," she smiled forlornly, "I know you didn't mean to ruin everything."

Columbia closed her eyes and took a deep, long, cleansing breath that got stuck in her throat – finally allowing the soothing atmosphere to do it's job. She couldn't quite hear a pin drop, but she could have sworn she heard a kind of… rippling? As if something was poking its head out of water…

"_**OMG!**_" She shrieked and jumped up. "The Creation!" she yelped as she located the source of the rippling sound.

Her screams seemed to frighten the poor thing as she heard a small whimper and then a splash as if it had ducked back down underwater.

"Oh no," she murmured motherly, "I didn't mean to scare you!" she called, stroking the satin of the red cover. She murmured soothing type phrases until she head a small _plip _indicating that The Creation had bobbed its head above water level.

"Hey, little guy," she cooed through the scarlet – she could barely make out a sort of shape through the material, "Let me get a look at you, huh?"

The Creation whimpered again and made small moan, but did not protest as Columbia slowly and tentatively peeled the cover away, exposing The Creation in all its blonde, tanned glory.

"Golly, golly," she whispered as she took in the muscle-bound hunk before her, "You're a pretty one, aren't you?" she muttered in awe of the cowering mass of bronzed handsome-ness before her.

She closed her gaping mouth and blushed, feeling like a crushing school-girl all over again.

The Creation blinked up at her with gentle blue eyes and, much to her surprise, blushed too, ducking his head until his nose skimmed the liquid around him.

"What's wrong, little guy?" it was hardly an appropriate nickname – she could tell that if he stood up she'd only come up to about his groin…. Ooh. She turned redder than Magenta's lipstick at the thought.

"Lady pretty," he stated bashfully in a voice that sounded forced (then again, he did have half a brain – and it belonged to Eddie, who was always a few slices short of a pizza).

"Pffft, you sweet liar! I look a right mess!" she wasn't sure if wearing no make-up was a plus or a minus – at least she didn't have hideous black streaks across her face, but without a few coats of foundation, powder and concealer, her skin looked dingier and more washed-out than an old tea towel. Not to mention puffy and red from all the melodramatic sobs.

But The Creation didn't seem to quite process her words, instead he shook his head in a baffled-type way and repeated, "Lady pretty," in a forceful, demanding kind of way, "But sad," he added, flashing his beautiful blues at her inquisitorially.

She gave him a watery snot and nodded, "Yup," she bobbed her head and sighed, not wanting to get into it.

"Why?" he frowned in a concerned sort of way.

"Because…," she knew that if she started talking about her boyfriend woes then she'd never be able to stop. They'd be there for hours whilst she relayed every agonising detail to the nodding creature – not stopping at Frankie and Eddie – but droning on and on until The Creation would be able to write a biography about her pitiful life, "Because I stubbed my toe."

"That all?" The Creation raised an eyebrow sceptically.

Geezo, he sure was smart for a glorified inflatable doll, "And that means I can't get my ice cream," she lamented, trying to squeeze out a tear or two.

The Creation's face softened, he reached out a hand and nervously patted her forearm, "No problem," he said reassuringly and leapt out the tank (taking half the liquid with him) and sprinted over to the freezer in the most athletic way Columbia had ever seen.

_That's definitely not the Eddie part of him_, she thought with a grin of the delivery boy's views on exercise.

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><p><strong>You heard it here first! Frank keeps his rubbers in the fridge! What the hell goes through my mind at 3 am? <strong>

**The theme tune to _Steptoe and Son _was lodged in my brain when writing this. Johnny Fontane is a fictional singer featured in _The Godfather_... I just thought it would be fun X3 Ya'll know how I love my references ;P **

_**Gilda **_**isn't actually too soppy, but it's very angsty which this hormonal Columbia would surely appreciate.**

**OK, you caught me. Deep Fried Chocolate Bubblegum Milkshake doesn't exist... only in my dreams...**


	2. Food For Thought

**I'm never writing fics at 3 in the morning and editing them the next day after a chocolate feast again. I can't believe I misspellled Johnny Font_ane_. That is inexcusable. And who exactly keeps their tea bags in the fridge? (no offence to anyone who does... it's just a bit weird) So, to reiterate, no more writing at 3 am and editing after chocolate the next day. Ever. Starting right after this chappie. ^^;**

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><p>"Happy?" The Creation cocked his head curiously as Columbia tentatively prodded the frozen treat with her finger.<p>

Not only had The Creation failed to retrieve a spoon – he'd only gone and brought the most vile and inhumane flavour of Frank's calorie-free ice cream collection. She attempted to arrange her grimace into a smile as she cringed at the urine coloured box with '_Cream-Free Ice Cream. Air Flavoured.' _Splattered in a no-nonsense _Times New Roman _font across the front.

"Ooooh, er, yum…?" she blanched as she attempted to scrape a small shred of the rock-hard substance with a chipped nail.

The Creation smiled helpfully, "Let me," and then, before Columbia could protest, he drove his hand into the block of ice and scooped out a huge chunk of frozen-solid gloop.

Columbia laughed nervously as he thrust his hand in her face, "Wow, you sure got yourself a neat party piece there, huh?"

"Eat?" he prompted, trying to shove the mound of yuk into her resisting mouth.

"Actually, uh… Mr... erm, Creation (?) I'm not really that hungry anymore, but thanks a bundle for getting it for me I really –"

But The Creation cut her off with a thoughtful frown and another speedy lumber to the freezer.

_Geez, that boy just doesn't give up!_

"This right?" he asked, his eyes getting all buggy and pleading.

Columbia hoped it was.

She took the offered tub and peeked at the label.

_Oh no! _she mentally drooped. Of course, he had to go and get the only tub worse than Frank's inedible _Cream-Free_. Columbia couldn't hide her disgust as she held the tub away at arms length, desperately putting as much distance between herself and the khaki coloured cylinder of pure evil. _Cream-Free Ice Cream. Now Without Ice! Chalk Flavoured. _

The Creation's brow furrowed until it skimmed the bridge of his nose as he gauged Columbia's reaction, "Wrong again?" he didn't even wait for an answer before shooting off back into the icy chamber and reappearing just as quickly, his strong arms brimming with ice cream tubs.

"Um, thanks," she grinned and began inspecting labels.

_Frozen Calamari – You Can't Have Just Eight! _screamed a dodgy smelling carton from the 40's.

Nope.

_Soylant Slurps – Man Made _proclaimed another – and then, in a much finer print underneath…_ An Associate Of Sweeney/Lovett Industries _

Definitely not.

_Polyjuice Pops – You'll Feel Like A Different Person! _called out a comparatively normal looking tub. Columbia curiously read the ingredients and shuddered.

Don't think so.

Columbia sighed as she perused the rest of the selection. There was nothing there that remotely interested her – never mind her precious _Deep Fried Chocolate Bubblegum Milkshake_. She shook her head sadly and pushed the pile away from her prone position on the floor (except the original _Cream-Free_ – she kept that to reduce the swelling on her poor toe), "Sorry to have wasted your time," she told the eager Creation, "Look, why don't you let me go and -"

But she was again interrupted as The Creation's lip wobbled dangerously before he burst into tears.

"Oh no! Don't cry!" she yelped, jumping up to hug him fiercely, "It's only ice cream!"

But The Creation just howled louder and shook his head, "Teacher right! I useless!" he wailed.

"Oh no! No you're not!" she hugged him tighter, ignoring the pain as she stretched up to her tiptoes in an attempt to bury her head into his shoulder. _Damn, shortness_, "You're teacher's wrong! Look, the swelling went down in my toe thanks to you!" The Creation smiled a bit, "Of course," she added thoughtfully, unable to help herself, "Your tank _did _cause the swelling…"

The Creation bawled even louder as Columbia winced at her word-vomit.

"Sorry, sorry! I'm always putting my foot in my mouth!"

The Creation paused to give her an odd look.

"Uh, not literally!" she added hastily, which seemed to make him cry even harder.

"Useless and stupid. Just as Teacher say!"

Columbia puffed up and flushed red with hatred. She spun the surprised hunk around and wagged her finger at him, "Now, see here… Mr. Creation. You are _not _stupid! You are _not _useless! It's your goddamned teacher who is stupid useless! And mean! And spiteful! And fat. And ugly… and a man-whore," she added for good measure.

"What man-whore?" The Creation asked curiously, his tears halted momentarily.

"You'll find out soon enough," Columbia thought of Frank and his impure intentions regarding this big, naïve sweetie, "But the point is – it's your teacher's fault that you can't find the right ice cream! Has he taught you to read?" The Creation shook his head dazedly, "Has he taught you which ice cream I prefer?" Another bemused head shake, "Mmhhmm, didn't think so. So how can you be expected to find me the right ice cream? There's about a hundred different brands in that freezer. A thousand different products and a million different flavours! And I'm guessing your teacher didn't teach you our special colour-coded system to finding the right one," she didn't give him long enough to shake his poor confused noggin, "So, we can only conclude – due to the overwhelming, er, _substantial_," Columbia grinned goofily at her vocabulary, "amount of evidence, that you are indeed neither stupid nor useless – and that your teacher _is _both stupid and/or useless with the added negatives of being spiteful, fat, ugly, a man-whore and a butt-head," she finished importantly, feeling like a modern Atticus Finch.

The Creation blinked at her absently before unexpectedly leaning in for a smooch.

"Whoa!" Columbia yelled in a surprisingly low tone of voice (well, low for her, normal for everyone else), "What was that?" she spluttered, totally caught of guard by the sudden affectionate turn things were taking.

The Creation shrugged, "Teacher and Curly Lady do it all time," The Creation babbled bashfully, obviously realising that he'd committed a faux pas, "They enjoy it. Scary Lady try do it to me – but I not enjoy it…," he blushed even harder until he was practically purple, "But I enjoy it with you…," he whispered.

"Oh… Mr. Creation…," Columbia whispered in a small voice, unsure if he even heard her. _Maybe… maybe… maybe it would work out this time? Thid time's a charm, after all… but then… what if it doesn't… was it possible for a heart to be broken __**three **__times in less than a year? _She shook her head resolutely. _Isn't that what you thought when you started getting feelings for Eddie? What was it you said? 'Lightening never strikes twice' was it? 'I've already been crushed once this year, what's the odds of it happening again?' did you say? Or was it 'Was it possible for a heart to be broken __**twice **__in one year'? Tell me, I'm very curious… _A little voice that sounded surprisingly like Magenta in mother-hen mode piped up, silencing all the other little niggly nagging going on.

So instead of re-enacting her and Eddie's first union, she coughed awkwardly and changed the subject, "So… where'd you get those shorts? They don't look like the normal Denton-attire.

A small tear of rejection slid almost invisibly down The Creation's face as he realised what was happening. He'd witnessed a similar scene between Curly Lady and Scary Lady just the other day. He also had some weird, blurry half-memories of cheerleaders and biker chicks using cruel words like 'Fatty' and 'Slob' and 'Who does he think he's kidding with that _hair_!' that he didn't quite understand. But these flashbacks were fleeting and full of Sky Sheep, so The Creation generally just ignored them.

Columbia shuffled uncomfortably as The Creation stared, beetroot red, at the floor and didn't make any sign that he'd heard her.

"Um… I'll just, like, go get the ice cream…?" she didn't know why she'd turned it into a question. She really didn't.

The Creation nodded without looking up as Columbia backed slowly away towards the freezer, "Ok… I'm going… to get the ice cream… from the freezer… over here… where I'm going… to get the ice cream… because that's where it is…," she babbled awkwardly, breathing a sigh of relief when she backed up against the scarlet door and had an excuse to slip out of sight.

_If I live to be 10032 I'll never forget the look on that poor creature's face… and that I put it there… _she thought sadly.

Sighing and looking up, she froze (pun intended) as she realised that she wasn't alone in the freezer.

… _or this. I definitely won't forget this either… _she thought as she found herself face to face with Eddie.

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><p><strong>SOYLANT GREEN IS PEOPLE, ahem, but <em>Soylant Slurps<em> are OK by me! :D**

**I don't know what happened during this... it went through so many changes... there was one very weird version were Columbia ripped Rocky's face off to see if Eddie was wearing a mask... (or maybe I dreamed that...)**

**Anyhoo...**

**Atticus Finch - Lawyer from To Kill A Mockingbird**

**Polyjuice - Potion in Harry Potter that changes your appearance **

**Soylant - GREEN IS PEOPLE! *cough***

**Sky Sheep - Clouds. As in "But these flashbacks were fleeting and cloudy"**

**Calamari - Squid dish. Yum.**

**Try and guess who 'Teacher', 'Curly Lady' and 'Scary Lady' all are. **


	3. Feast Your Eyes

**Weird Coincidence: My mum got an ice cream maker shortly after I'd put up chapter 2! She wouldn't let me try to make any of my pun-tastic flavours though...**

**Filler Alert! This chapter is a filler - and I suck at fillers like no one's business**

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><p>"So, this is where you've been hiding," Columbia whispered, her words floating before her as steam.<p>

Maybe it was the temperature, maybe it was the downcast creature in the lab, or maybe it was the fact that the love of her life was standing before her in popsicle-form, but Columbia suddenly felt very cold. Not normal cold, tingling her skin and prompting Eddie to hand her his jacket, no, this was a new kind of cold – the kind of chilling sensation of frozen blood and icy insides as she found herself rooted to the spot.

Why wasn't she running towards Eddie? Why wasn't she squealing and crying and calling his name desperately? Why wasn't she getting her lips stuck comically to his as she attempted to kiss him?

She'd dreamed of this moment ever since Magenta revealed that Eddie was indeed not staying with his uncle for a while as she had thought – and that, in fact, he was just arriving at his uncle's door when Frank and Riff tackled him to the ground and a struggle ensued where Frank had lost a chunk of his silky straight hair and Riff had been stabbed in the back. That it was no coincidence that Frank gained a fondness for afro-wigs and Riff Raff had started to wear heavy gauze on his back – resulting in a hunchbacked appearance – around the same time Eddie disappeared. That Eddie was actually stashed away somewhere in the castle with half his brain missing and that the other half was currently inhabiting Frank's new toy.

The news had devastated Columbia and she'd retreated to her room to wallow in her feelings of grief and anger and love. She'd eventually cried herself to sleep before waking up at around midnight – in desperate need of calories. She'd then stealthily snuck down into the lab, intent on retrieving some ice cream – Frank hadn't allowed her to go near the freezer in weeks – but instead she stubbed her toe and met a new friend…

_If he still is my friend. _

"Oh, Eddie," she sighed, still frozen to the spot, "Why couldn't things have worked out? Why did we have to meet through Frank? What if we'd met under different circumstances…," she sniffled, grabbing a random carton and moving closer to her icy beau.

Without bothering to glance at the label, she stuck her hand in and woefully shoved it in her mouth, not caring about the flavour.

_Could it be…? _She glanced at the label and managed a smile as she read her own messy handwriting proclaiming: _Deep Fried Chocolate Bubblegum Milkshake – Columbia's. Paws off Frank! It's Your Own Fault for Buying That Healthy Shit. Magenta May Have Some (If She Asks Nicely and Lends Me Her New Nail Polish__) Eddie Can Have a Spoonful If He Does That Thing I Like (Ew, Frank! Not That!) And Riff Raff Is To Stay Away Until He Apologises For Insulting My Cooking and Gives Me My Elvis Records Back! :( _

She giggled a bit as she inspected the much-written upon tub – chortling at the replies from her housemates and the little doodles she'd absentmindedly penned. Those were the good old days, alright… when Frank was straight-haired and fainted at the sight of blood, when Riff Raff was nothing but a comic foil with a scarily straight spine, when Magenta would tease her about her voice instead of shooting her pitying looks and acting like a mother-hen, when Eddie wasn't turning blue and could move his fingers…

She sighed a very Soap Opera-type sigh and buried her face in the ice cream, letting the calories do their job.

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><p>The Creation blinked as Squeaky Lady trotted into the freezer and disappeared into its icy depths.<p>

_Smooth, _said that annoying voice from the weird half of his head, _Very smooth, Jimmy._

The Creation shook his head in an attempt to get rid of The Voice, "Why you keep calling me that?" he said out loud, beyond confused.

He could feel The Voice shrug, _You remind of a certain blue-eyed, blonde-haired rebel without a cause._

"…?"

_Never mind… look, you like her, don't you?_

"Yes," The Creation liked her very much.

_You want her to like you, don't you?"_

"Yes," more than anything.

The Voice became very stern, _Now, you have to want to do more than, er, 'cuddle' her, OK? You have to care for her, and talk to her, and listen to her, and comfort her – you have to love her… that's what she needs right now…_

It took a minute for The Creation to process The Voice's words, "You Eddie, right?" he muttered.

He felt The Voice blink, surprised, before smiling sadly, _Yeah, I was Eddie for a while – a damn good while, make no mistake! _

The Creation chuckled and patted the 'Eddie' side of his head.

_Go get her, tiger. Don't let her end up with Frank, for love of God, don't let her end up with Frank. He'd never let me forget it. _

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><p><strong>I'm shamefully ripping off another of my Rocky fics. Oh well, hopefully the next chapter will be the last.<strong>

**Also, my big James Dean poster compelled me to reference him during this (how can I refuse such a pretty face?)**


	4. Just Desserts

**Just another warning, I suck at endings more than fillers.**

**And also, I would love to send out a big, all-consuming thanks to everyone who read, and an extra big thanks to everyone who reviewed! _Opheliafrump, FrankieFan82, magentalover, BritLuvr, Tallen93, of the funsized variety and gypsie rosalie. _I don't know what I'd do without your flattery and ego-stroking! Special thanks to _BritLuvr _for the advertising (and the ingenius Polyjuice suggestion) and _FrankieFan82 _for getting me hooked on "Cocky".**

**Also, a bit of a happy ending, seeing as it was my birthday about a week or so ago, my mum promised to give me free reign of the ice cream machine! Deep Fried Chocolate Bubblegum Milkshake, here I come!**

**PS If your were wondering...**

**Frank = Scary Lady**

**Mags = Curly Lady**

**Riff = Teacher**

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><p>"The flowers that bloom in the spring,<br>Tra la,  
>Breathe promise of merry sunshine —<br>As we merrily dance and we sing,  
>Tra la,<br>We welcome the hope that they bring,  
>Tra la,<br>Of a summer of roses and wine,  
>Of a summer of roses and wine.<br>And that's what we mean when we say that a thing  
>Is welcome as flowers that bloom in the spring.<br>Tra la la la la,  
>Tra la la la la,"<p>

Columbia wailed loudly and applauded herself, delivering another generous scoop to her waiting mouth, "Watcha think, Eddie? Not too bad, huh?" She waggled her eyebrows meaningfully (but did not make it clear whether it was the ice-cream or her dying cat impression that was not bad) and smiled soppily at the inanimate delivery boy, "You _did _spike the ice-cream, didn't you? And you swore on your mother's grave that you didn't, as well!" she tutted disapprovingly but did not stop shovelling the lardy-ice into her mouth, "Not that I'm complaining," she added as an afterthought before hiccupping giddily and giggling.

"Pretty Lady?" Columbia blinked stupidly and looked around, trying to locate the speaker.

"Pretty Lady? You here?" The Creation poked his head into the freezer and quickly spotted the crumpled groupie who was starfish-ed out on the floor next to –

_Hey! That's me! _Eddie whooped wildly _And still as handsome as ever! Goddamn, Edward, what is your secret? _

"Pretty Lady!" The Creation dashed forwards and scooped Columbia up into his arms worriedly, "You so cold!" he added, alarmed at her bluish tint and chattering teeth.

"Hey! It's the toy-boy! Come to join the party?" she squealed, throwing her arms around The Creation's shoulders.

_I forgot I'd spiked the ice cream _muttered Eddie nostalgically.

"Pretty Lady! Stop being silly!" The Creation demanded as he headed towards the exit, intent on returning her to warmth.

"Aw no, man! Don't be a party pooper, dude!" she removed her arms from his shoulders to cling onto the freezer door determinedly.

"No, Pretty Lady! Bad, bad Pretty Lady!" The Creation rebuked her and, ignoring her raspberries, continued to tug and yank her with all his might.

"Don't be such a square!" she shrieked as he plopped her in his still-full tank and hit a switch causing the liquid to drain away and for hidden vents to open up and blast warm air at the protesting groupie.

Columbia spluttered and spat what she hoped was water, out of her mouth, instantly grouchy and sober, "_Why _does your tank have central heating?" she asked, her nerves frayed spectacularly.

"Indulgence," said The Creation, struggling less with more-than-two-syllable words than earlier. Columbia got the distinct impression that this was the most he had ever talked. She softened a little at his sheepish expression and began to blush a little, wondering if he had heard her drunken ramblings to a block of ice.

_Come on, man! Tell her how you feel! Quick! Before you lose your nerve!_

"Pretty Lady, I—"

"Y'know," she said thoughtfully, peering at The Creation with a most scientific expression, "I really think we should start addressing each other by name, I mean, it's flattering to have some Adonis call me pretty all the time, but it just seems a bit… you know! I mean, I can't go around calling you Mr. Creation either!" she huffed, frowning with thoughts.

"But Pretty Lady!" he tried, only to be cut off again.

"Well, my real name's Elizabeth, but everyone calls me Columbia, so I guess you should too, if you want anyone to know who you're talking about…"

"Pretty Lady, please!"

"But what will I call you…?" she immediately regretted saying it so casually, he was not some goldfish she had won at a fair, "With your permission, of course," she added, shooting him an embarrassed little simper.

The Creation immediately lost his train of thought at this. She wanted his opinion. No one ever wanted his opinion.

He opened his mouth, doing an unintended impression of Columbia's goldfish-comparison, and tried to form a coherent sentence.

"What about Peter?" Columbia tried before frowning and shaking her head, "No, that's much too common for someone as rare as you," she shuddered when she realised that she'd just repeated, more or less word for word, Frank's opinion and subsequent changing of her old name, "Trevor? No, you don't look like a Trevor… you sound like one, but you don't look like one…"

The Creation sighed, _Any advice? _He asked Eddie without much hope.

_Sorry, Jimmy, once you get her started… she'll talk herself hoarse. Seriously, she gave herself laryngitis once trying to defend Casablanca against Riff Raff's cynical criticism. _Eddie sighed wistfully, _Don't give up, champ. There's always tomorrow. _

The Creation shrugged in defeat and picked up a slightly melted carton off the floor and shovelled some into his mouth, chomping miserably as the only non-disembodied person to treat him as an equal droned on and on, listing every name in existence (not stopping at male).

"Hey," she stopped suddenly, making The Creation jump, "What's that you're eating?"

He squinted at the label and tried to sound it out, reading not being his strongpoint.

Eddie valiantly came to his assistance, _It's Rocky Road, big guy. It ain't that hard._

"Rocky Road," he said proudly, wanting her to think that he'd read all by himself.

Not that she was paying attention, "Rocky… Rocky… that's it!" she squealed, jumping up, "Rocky! It's perfect!" she stopped, mid-happy dance, "Er, if you like it…?"

The Creation looked into Columbia's slightly buggy eyes. He took in her pale eyelashes, the eyebrows that didn't match her hair colour, the bags that hung underneath. He saw the few blackheads and freckles scattered across her pink face and noticed a thin trace of stubborn make-up-removing-wipes resisting foundation settled on her puffy skin. His eyes moved slowly over the strangely familiar face, and he tried to ignore the sobbing Eddie in the back of his mind as his gaze scaled her button nose to return to her hopeful eyes.

"It perfect."

* * *

><p><strong>That stupid flowery song has been lodged in my brain all week. It's slowly driving me crazy, and I have no idea what set it off, I haven't seen The Mikado in ages.<strong>

**Well, anyways, you may have noticed that I've left it with a bit of an open ending, and that, my lovelies, is because a sequal just may be on the horizon. Not just a sequal, in fact, but I am maybe planning on coughing up a small series of fourshots based on this little Cocky-verse. _A Midday Picnic _will be arriving sometime in the future, though i haven't the faintest inkling when...**


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